The Sex of Nations

Rumsfeld's old jibe about "Old Europe" and "New Europe" had more of a hint of Arnold's "girly-men" about it: that the nations of old Europe were weak and feminine in not supporting Junior's war. That the "New" European nations, newly-liberated from the Warsaw Pact's clutches, were hardened and masculine and thus willing to stand erect with the real men of America. Whereas the plump nations of the Western end -feminized on a surfeit of Prada and Truffaut.

So what about the sex of nations: are us Wessies really "girly-men"? The European Union could be seen as an attempt to create a family, a nurturing unit -surely a feminine structure. La France has Marianne / Laetitia Casta as her symbol, beautiful even when depicted by Delacroix as Liberty storming the barricades. The Germans refer to their nation as The Fatherland, which is somewhat male, but the new national symbol (that graces the covers of Berlin's guidebooks) is the Reichstag's new dome -the national breast to which the Germans return, to suckle at the life-giving teat of democracy. The United States of America is personified by Uncle Sam, undoubtedly male (if appearing to lack manly vigour, due to advanced age); the capital Washington DC is graced by an enormous stone representation of its namesake's phallus.

And where does the transatlantic 51st. State fit into all of this? At the time of Empire, Britain's cartoon personification was John Bull, pugnacious, vigorous, possibly a touch of gout. Our national animal was the bulldog, which shared the John's characteristics. But on the other hand we have Britannia, who poses in repose with shield and helmet, a girl. So, in the tradition of Danny La Rue and the Pythons, a little gender confusion.

Perhaps the real test of a nation's sexual identity is his or her's obscene gesticulations. To indicate to the hard-of-hearing by the linguistically-challenged that they should fuck off, American's extend the middle (and longest) finger priapically upwards -male. The British extend the index and middle finger upwards, but angled and apart -mimicking the dewy cleft that is the essence of female. Legs apart, case closed.

But all is not lost in the Land of the Free. Under the shadow of George's organ is Washington the city's best monument, the Viet Nam War Memorial. Recessed in a fold of the great lawn, enveloped in the womb of the earth, are the names of those who died in the nation's wars -the country's sons cradled in their mother's arms.